Walks Into a Bar Jokes: March 2009

A horse walks into a bar, bartender says "Why the long face?"
A giraffe walks into a bar, bartender says "Why the long face?"
An aardvark walks into a bar, bartender says "Why the long face?"
Christopher Walken walks into a bar, bartender says "Why the long face?"
Celine Dion walks into a bar, bartender says "Why the long face?"
A length of rope walks into a bar, strolls up to a stool and says "Bartender, a beer please."
The bartender looks him over and says "Arent' you a rope?"
Rope say "Yes, I am a rope"
Barkeep says "Sorry, we don't serve no rope here."
Miffed, the rope jumps off his stool and heads into the bathroom where he stands in front of the mirror, does some contortions and musses up his ends.
He then returns to the stool and says "Bartender, a beer please."
Bartender squints at him as he looks him up and down and says "Hey, aren't you a rope?"
Rope says, "No, I'm a frayed knot".
A three legged dog walks into a bar and says to the bartender "I'm lookin'
for the man who shot my paw!".
A termite walks into a club and asks "Is the bar tender here?".
A baby seal walks into a bar and orders a Canadian Club.
A gay guy, a priest, a rabbi, a doctor and a lawyer walk into a bar.
Bartender looks up and says "What is this, some king of joke?".
Bacon and Eggs walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't
serve breakfast around here."
A pony walks into a bar and says "Bartender give me a drink, I'm a
little hoarse!".
A midget walks into a bar and says to the bartender "Can I pay you
next week, I'm a little short!".
A grasshopper hops into a bar. The bartender says, "You're quite a
celebrity around here. We've even got a drink named after you." The
grasshopper says, "Really! You've got a drink named Irving?"
Shakespeare walks into a bar, the bartender looks up and says "I can't
serve you, you're bard!".
A man walks into a bar with a piece of asphalt under his arm.
"One for me and one for the road, please!"
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I think I've lost an
electron."
The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first says, "Yes, I'm positive..."
A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says. The bartender promptly serves up a beer. "How much will that be?" asks the neutron.
"For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge."
A default Sans Serif font walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve your type here!"
Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini. The bartender asks, "Olive or twist?"
A guy walks into a bar with jumper cables. The bartender says, "You can come in, but don't start anything!"
Two cartons of yogurt walk into a bar. The bartender, a tub of cottage chesse, says to them, "We don't serve your kind in here."
One of the yogurt cartons says back to him, "Why not? We're cultured individuals."
A young Texan walks into a bar and orders a drink. "Got any ID?" asks the bartender. The Texan replies, "About what?"
A duck walks into a bar, orders a drink and and say "Bartender, put it on my bill !"
A file folder walks into a bar, orders a drink and and say "Bartender, put it on my tab !"
A drunk walks out of a bar and sees a nun standing at a bus stop. He walks up to her and punches her in the face. When she falls to the ground, he starts screaming, "You're not so tough now, are you, Batman?"
A man from North Carolina goes into a bar in New England. He asks the bartender, "Did you go to Harvard?" The bartender says, "Yale." The North Carolinan says, "DID YOU GO TO HARVARD?"
A drunk goes into a bar. The bartender tosses him out as he is too drunk. The drunk walks back into the bar. Again, the bartender throws him out for being too drunk. Again the drunk walks into the bar. The bartender is just about the throw him out when the drunk looks at him and says, "How many bars do you own, anyway?"
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel hanging from his belt. The bartender asks, "What's that for?" The pirate responds, "Aarrr, its driving me nuts".
John Hurt walks into a bar, with that alien emerging from his chest. The bartender asks, "What's gotten into you?"
A default Sans Serif font walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve your type here!"
A corn stalk walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Wanna hear a good joke?" The corn stalk says, "I'm all ears!"
A guy walks into a bar. He says to the bartender, "Can I have a bag of helicopter flavor chips?" The barkeep says, "Sorry, we only have plain."
A guy walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder. "What do you call that?", asks the bartender. "I call him Tiny, because he's my newt!"
A book walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Please, no stories!"
A giraffe walks into a bar. "High balls are on me!"
A magician walks down an alley and turns into a bar.
Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini. The bartender asks, "Olive or twist?"
A leprechaun walks into a bar. The bartender serves him and says, "That'll be $2.50." The leprechaun puts two dollar bills on the bar and starts walking away. The barkeep shouts, "You're a little short!"
A mushroom walks into a bar and the bartender says "We don't serve your kind here." and the mushroom says - "Why not? I'm a fungi."
Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "Would you like a beer?" Descartes replies, "I think not", then disappeared.
A Kabbalist walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "Why the long face?"
An amnesiac comes into a bar. He asks, "Do I come here often?"
A pony walks into a bar and coughs, "Hey, COUGH. Gimme a bu COUGH a beer COUGH. The bartender serves him and says, "What's with your voice?" The pony says, "Nothing, I'm just a little hoarse."
A guy walks into a bar with jumper cables. The bartender says, "You can come in, but don't you start anything!"
A man goes into a bar with a giraffe, they both get a couple of rounds in. When they get up to leave they're extremely drunk and the giraffe passes out and falls over. The man opens the door, about to leave by himself, when the bartender stops him suddenly and says, "Hey! You can't leave that lyin' there!" The man turns around and slurs, "Don't be silly, that's not a lion, that's a giraffe!"
A man runs into a bar and asks the barkeep, "Give me ten shots of your best whisky." The bartender sets up the ten glasses. The man starts drinking them as quickly as the bartender serves them. The bartender asks, "Why are you drinking so fast?" "You'd drink fast too, if you had what I have." The bartender asks, "What do you have?" "Seventy cents."
A neutron walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender sets the beer down and says, "For you, no charge!"
A woman goes into a bar and asks for a "double entendre". So the bartender gave her one.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, "A beer please, and one for the road."
A penguin walks into a bar, goes to the counter, and asks the bartender, "Have you seen my brother?" The bartender asks, "I don't know, what does he look like?"
A termite walks into a bar and asks, "Is the bartender here?"
A hamburger walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve food in here."
A dog with his leg wrapped in bandages hobbles into a saloon. He sidles up to the bar and announces: "I'm lookin' fer the man that shot my paw."
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "So, why the long face?"
A guy walks into a bar, sits down and hears a small voice say, "You look nice today." A few minutes later he again hears a small voice, "That's a nice shirt." The guy asks the bartender, "Who is that?" The bartender says, "Those are the peanuts. They're complimentary!"
A baby seal walks into a bar. "What can I get you?" asks the bartender. "Anything but a Canadian Club," replies the seal.
A bear walked into a bar and says, "I'll have a beer......and some of those peanuts." The bartender says, "Why the big pause?"
Celine Dion walks into a bar. The bartender says, "So, why the long face?"
A drunk staggers out of a bar and runs right into two priests. He says, "I'm Jesus Christ." The first priest says, "No, son, you're not." So the drunk says it to the second priest. The second priest says, "No, son, you're not." The drunk says, "Look, I can prove it." He walks back into the bar with the two priests. The bartender takes one look at the drunk and exclaims, "Jesus Christ, you're here again?"
A grasshopper hops into a bar. The bartender says, "You're quite a celebrity around here. We've even got a drink named after you." The grasshopper says, "You've got a drink named Steve?"
Shakespeare walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer. "I can't serve you." says the bartender. "You're Bard!"
A giraffe walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Why the long face?" (This joke never gets old)
A man walked into a bar holding an alligator. He asked the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?" The bartender said, "Yes, we do!" "Good," replied the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my alligator."
A polar bear, a giraffe and a penguin walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What is this? Some kind of joke?"
A brain walks into a bar and orders a pint of beer. The barman says, "I'm not serving you, you're out of your skull!"
A professor walks into a bar and orders a double martinous. The bartender says, "you mean a double martini?" The professor says, "If I want more than one I'll ask for it."
An Irishman walks out of a bar. Hey, it COULD happen!
A dyslexic guy walks into a bra.
A Canadian guy walks into a bar, on the stool next to him is some footwear. The says to the bartender, "What's this - a boot?"
A virus walks into a bar and the bartender says we "don't serve viruses around here". The virus then replaces him and says "now you do!".
An infectious disease walks into a bar and the bartender says "we don't serve infectious diseases here" to which the infectious disease replies "well, you're not a very good host.".
Two bacteria walk into a bar, the bartender says "we don't serve bacteria in this bar". The bacteria say "but we work here, we're staph!".
A room-temperature superconductor walks into a bar and the bartender says "we don't serve any superconductors around here" at which point the room-temperature superconductor walks out without putting up any resistance.
An infra red photon walks into a bar and says "is it hot in here or is it just me?".
A neutrino walks into a bar and the bartender says "we don't serve neutrinos in this bar". The neutrino says "hey ... I was just passing through!".
Schrödinger's cat walks into a bar ... and doesn't.
Amy Winehouse walks into a bar and the barman says: "Sorry, we don't serve spirits here."
Some bread dough walks into a bar and the bartender says "We don't knead your kind around here!".

Walks Into a Bar Jokes

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

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